I write this blog on the subject of miscarriage, however, as you can see here, I believe that aborted babies and miscarried babies have the same fate: that is, heaven. I don't believe this just because I want to believe that God is good and loving, so much so that He would never send an infant to hell. I don't believe this only because the world tells me that all babies who die are instantly "angels". I don't believe this because my gut tells me to. I believe this wholeheartedly because of evidence I find in God's Word, the Bible.
In the medical field, there is only one word that separates you from me. You had a selective abortion, and I had a spontaneous abortion. That one little word represents much more than just a clinical term though--it represents the direct desires of our heart. While you chose to end the life of your baby, I did not. Your desire was to not be a mother--while the exact opposite was true for me. You rejoiced to know that your baby was no longer growing inside of you--while my heart broke five times over in the loss of my babies. I have to be honest with you--it is difficult for me to even place myself in the same category as you, because our desires were so opposite of each other. But, that is exactly what I'm about to do.
Today is National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. To be honest with you, this day really caught me by surprise. I guess if anyone should be prepared and ready to write on a day like today it should be me! Sadly, though, my normal, busy, crazy life has gotten in the way. I have a 6th grader, 5th grader, 4th grader, 2nd Grader and preschooler...all at home...that I'm supposed to be homeschooling. But what did we do today? We went to the beach! So, I'm really, really not prepared or studied up for a blog post today.
Just a simple word from the Bible can bring powerful healing and strength to the one that is suffering. I would encourage you to seek out those you know who are hurting from the pain of miscarriage, and offer them the hope that is found in Christ alone.
Through all of my five miscarriages, I would get over the immediate emotion that was so overwhelming. But even now, years later, I still have heartache. I still have pain. It is still so real to me. Writing this blog has been therapeutic for me, but even with that, I have relived all of the death, the pain and the grief. Will my heart ever be healed? Will my spirit ever be unburdened by this pain? Is there hope for my future?
The decision to have more children ultimately was not mine, as I found out that I was pregnant again in February of 2009 on an anniversary trip my husband and I took to Hawaii.
Once again, I had to sit at the feet of Jesus, in the word of God, and learn from Him. This was the only way that I could deal with the heartache. My question now was, “where did the evil come from, why is it allowed, and when will it end”?
Shortly after miscarrying for the third time, I found out that I was pregnant again. This was my sixth pregnancy and only two of those babies had made it to full term. My doctor immediately performed more blood tests on me to ensure there was nothing she was missing. This time around, my progesterone levels were really elevated, and my HCG levels were really high as well. This was the kind of news that I liked to hear! I was very sick, very tired, and very pregnant. It was at this point in my reproductive years that I began to realize the differences in my pregnancies that were going to “stick” and those that would not. I knew this one was going to “stick”.
Scripture is very clear on what the ultimate purpose of man is, and at first I found it a little difficult to see how that purpose could be fulfilled in a baby who never actually walked the earth. But now, knowing just some basics about the human soul helps me to see how my little babies have the same purpose that you and I have: to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
After the second miscarriage, I knew that I still wanted to try for more children. I grew up in a large family, as did my husband, and the thought of only having one child was foreign to me. In my childhood dreams, I always pictured four or five children of my own. So, Jon and I decided to keep on trying for more children, even though we knew there was a possibility for more miscarriages. We ended up getting pregnant again, and carrying another healthy baby girl, Adeline Rebecca, who was born via c-section in January of 2004. We felt so blessed to be able to have her! Chloe and Adeline both were such sweet babies, we still yearned for more children! I found myself pregnant again around four months after Addy was born.