Why would God do this to me again? Since my baby is not living, where is his/her soul? Is my baby in heaven? These questions enveloped me once more. I couldn’t escape from seeking God on this matter. The world’s answers didn’t satisfy my hunger for truth. What I was hearing from the world was sinking sand and I didn’t want to sink anymore. I wanted to be standing on a rock.
Just three short months after I endured my first miscarriage, I found myself pregnant again. I was filled with hope and worry all at the same time. Would I lose this baby too? After I passed the 13 week mark and all was well, I felt as though everything was going to be alright with this pregnancy. I felt the baby move, my belly grew and I was able to carry the baby past full term, 41 weeks to be exact. I gave birth via an emergency c-section to a beautiful baby girl, Chloe Elizabeth, in September of 2002. She was (and still is) the joy of our life! It seemed that after my first pregnancy my reproductive organs realized what their purpose was: to reproduce! What was difficult in the first years of marriage, suddenly became easy. In fact, I was so surprised to find out just four months after having Chloe that I was expecting again.
One of the questions that kept haunting my mind was that of, “Why did my baby have to die?”. I couldn’t think of any where else to go beside the scriptures. The Bible was my only source of truth by which I could think, live and breath at that moment. Like I mentioned before, the world offers very little in terms of true comfort and real answers to this kind of hard question. That’s why so many people seek God when their circumstances are difficult. Deep down in each person, there is a knowledge that God and His Word are the only source of truth. And if we will just admit it, the truth is what is most comforting.
My husband, Jon, and I married in May of 1999. We wanted children right away, which I know is so unlike most couples of our day. We really valued children, and were thrilled and excited to start a family of our own. After a full year passed without a pregnancy, I began to suspect that something may be wrong. I hated the word infertility. I did not even want to look it up or read about it. After all, my own mother was known as “fertile Myrtle”. She conceived and birthed five babies and had had no miscarriages. My husband’s family was quite the same...
Over the next few weeks, I'm going to be posting my own journey through miscarriage. I started writing this a few years ago, and my prayer has been that through reading the details of my miscarriages and life in between, you'll be encouraged and challenged in your own journey. These posts will be longer than a normal blog post, so you'll have to carve out a little time to read! Thank you so much for stopping by. Here is the introduction:
Worry and anxiety about a new pregnancy are normal even when there has not been a previous miscarriage. But when miscarriage is the precursor to a new pregnancy, we are even more susceptible to falling into the temptation of fear that we are going to lose the new baby as well. It is a fear that can run and rule your life. This fear that you will miscarry again could very well just ruin every single day of your pregnancy - or maybe every day up until you pass the mark of when you lost the previous baby - then you may think you're in the clear, you sigh a big breath of relief and you can then rejoice in the new life within your womb.
God does not necessarily need us in order that He might comfort those who have lost a baby - but He wants us! In His perfect design, He has ordained those who have suffered a miscarriage to be the means by which He comforts others who have suffered the same. If we are silent, if we who have suffered offer no comfort, then God's purpose is thwarted, and Satan has a foothold on us!
While we may feel alone, like no one is grieving the way that we are, we can know from scripture that we are not alone. Jesus grieved. He carried our griefs. He bore our sorrows. And listen to this: He not only carried and bore our sorrow and grief, He atoned for them. This makes Him the only One who is qualified and truly able to wipe away your tears. You may wish your husband or friends could do this for you, but they are not equipped to do so in the way that Christ is. Your miscarriage is a call for you specifically to praise Christ and to hope in Christ. We can look back at His atoning work in praise and awe and we can look forward in hope of death's being forever destroyed!
We are not the only one thinking, dreaming, and planning for our baby. No, God formed our baby's parts, He literally knitted our baby together. He could see all that was happening in our womb as clear as the day. He saw that baby before it was even formed, each day of the baby's life was written by Him, before they even happened. God's thoughts toward your baby are so precious and numerous that they cannot even be measured! And you thought you were the only one who cared? The only one who dreamed? The only one who planned?
One of the most helpful resources I have had in my miscarriages has been John MacArthur's book Safe in the Arms of God. I have given this book away to so many people, and wholeheartedly recommend it. It is full of truth and biblical answers for those who have lost children to miscarriage, stillbirth and death after birth. I just simply cannot recommend this book enough!