Wanting to Know the Why
THIS is the struggle of the human soul. Why? Why would a Good God (Psalm 136:1) allow such evil, such heartache, such sadness, such mourning, such death? Why would the One Who Holds All Things (Colossians 1:17) let this one thing slip away? Why wouldn't the Creator God (Genesis 1:1) keep my baby alive and well in my womb? Why would the Giver of All Good Gifts (James 1:17) snatch this gift right back out of my hands? Why would a Loving God (1 John 4:8) ordain this pain in my life?
But don't you get weary of this question? I know I do. I know it's okay to ask God why—Jesus asked the Father this very question while on the cross. But wouldn't it be nice to be able to just rest in the goodness of God, in His care, in His creative hands, in His provision, in His love, and in His arms without that nagging question of "why" hanging over our heads? — To take a deep breath in, and trust, truly trust, that this God is all He claims to be in the scriptures.
I want to pose a question to you— Will you look up in the first paragraph and only read the Bold Italic Words? Doesn't your focus automatically shift to the wonder of WHO God is instead of the WHY of your miscarriage? Now the question is, do you truly believe He is who He says He is? (and this only scratches the surface of who God is!)
In wanting to know the why, we are wallowing in our despair. We are being swallowed up by our circumstances. We take our eyes off of our Lord, just as Peter did while walking on the water toward the Lord Jesus. And what happened? He sank! We must make the actions of our lives match the theology in our hearts. We rightly believe that God is good, we rightly believe He holds all things together, we rightly believe He is Creator, we rightly believe He is the Giver of all Good Gifts and we rightly believe God is Love. But in the loss of our child, somehow these beliefs don't make a dent in our suffering. We live in a way that proclaims to the world that we don't believe these things about our God. Through our questioning of God, we put on display an evil god, a god who destroys life, a god who did not hold our baby in His hands, a god who snatched away a good gift, a god who is ultimately unloving. When we wallow in the why, we just plain forget just Who is ultimately in control and has a plan for our lives as well as the life and death of our baby.
So, instead of wanting to know the why, let's focus our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions on wanting to know the Who. May we come to know Him more and more and more through our suffering, through our loss, through our miscarriage. And in doing so, may we proclaim the goodness, the care, the power, the generosity, and the love of God to the suffering world around us.
In the next journal entry, we'll talk about just how we can put this into practice by allowing scripture to renew our minds and transform us. Check back soon!