Journal

Wanting to Know the Why

THIS is the struggle of the human soul.  Why?  Why would a Good God (Psalm 136:1) allow such evil, such heartache, such sadness, such mourning, such death?  Why would the One Who Holds All Things (Colossians 1:17) let this one thing slip away?  Why wouldn't the Creator God (Genesis 1:1) keep my baby alive and well in my womb? Why would the Giver of All Good Gifts (James 1:17) snatch this gift right back out of my hands?  Why would a Loving God (1 John 4:8) ordain this pain in my life? 

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Do Aborted Babies Populate Paradise?

I write this blog on the subject of miscarriage, however, as you can see here, I believe that aborted babies and miscarried babies have the same fate: that is, heaven.  I don't believe this just because I want to believe that God is good and loving, so much so that He would never send an infant to hell.  I don't believe this only because the world tells me that all babies who die are instantly "angels".  I don't believe this because my gut tells me to.  I believe this wholeheartedly because of evidence I find in God's Word, the Bible.  

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Dear Post-Abortive Mother,

In the medical field, there is only one word that separates you from me.  You had a selective abortion, and I had a spontaneous abortion.  That one little word represents much more than just a clinical term though--it represents the direct desires of our heart.  While you chose to end the life of your baby, I did not.  Your desire was to not be a mother--while the exact opposite was true for me.  You rejoiced to know that your baby was no longer growing inside of you--while my heart broke five times over in the loss of my babies.  I have to be honest with you--it is difficult for me to even place myself in the same category as you, because our desires were so opposite of each other.  But, that is exactly what I'm about to do.

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Thank You, Ronald Reagan

Today is National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.  To be honest with you, this day really caught me by surprise.  I guess if anyone should be prepared and ready to write on a day like today it should be me! Sadly, though, my normal, busy, crazy life has gotten in the way.  I have a 6th grader, 5th grader, 4th grader, 2nd Grader and preschooler...all at home...that I'm supposed to be homeschooling.  But what did we do today?  We went to the beach!  So, I'm really, really not prepared or studied up for a blog post today.

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My Story: Concluding Thoughts

Just a simple word from the Bible can bring powerful healing and strength to the one that is suffering.  I would encourage you to seek out those you know who are hurting from the pain of miscarriage, and offer them the hope that is found in Christ alone.

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My Story: When Will My Pain End?

Through all of my five miscarriages, I would get over the immediate emotion that was so overwhelming.  But even now, years later, I still have heartache.  I still have pain.  It is still so real to me.  Writing this blog has been therapeutic for me, but even with that, I have relived all of the death, the pain and the grief.  Will my heart ever be healed?  Will my spirit ever be unburdened by this pain?  Is there hope for my future?

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My Story: Who is Really Responsible?

Once again, I had to sit at the feet of Jesus, in the word of God, and learn from Him.  This was the only way that I could deal with the heartache.  My question now was, “where did the evil come from, why is it allowed, and when will it end”? 

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My Story: Miscarriage #4

Shortly after miscarrying for the third time, I found out that I was pregnant again.  This was my sixth pregnancy and only two of those babies had made it to full term.  My doctor immediately performed more blood tests on me to ensure there was nothing she was missing.  This time around, my progesterone levels were really elevated, and my HCG levels were really high as well.  This was the kind of news that I liked to hear!  I was very sick, very tired, and very pregnant.  It was at this point in my reproductive years that I began to realize the differences in my pregnancies that were going to “stick” and those that would not.  I knew this one was going to “stick”.

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My Story: What is the Purpose Behind My Pain?

Scripture is very clear on what the ultimate purpose of man is, and at first I found it a little difficult to see how that purpose could be fulfilled in a baby who never actually walked the earth.  But now, knowing just some basics about the human soul helps me to see how my little babies have the same purpose that you and I have: to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

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My Story: Miscarriage #3

After the second miscarriage, I knew that I still wanted to try for more children.  I grew up in a large family, as did my husband, and the thought of only having one child was foreign to me.  In my childhood dreams, I always pictured four or five children of my own.  So, Jon and I decided to keep on trying for more children, even though we knew there was a possibility for more miscarriages.  We ended up getting pregnant again, and carrying another healthy baby girl, Adeline Rebecca, who was born via c-section in January of 2004.  We felt so blessed to be able to have her!  Chloe and Adeline both were such sweet babies, we still yearned for more children!  I found myself pregnant again around four months after Addy was born.

 

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My Story: Where is My Baby?

Why would God do this to me again?  Since my baby is not living, where is his/her soul? Is my baby in heaven?  These questions enveloped me once more.  I couldn’t escape from seeking God on this matter.  The world’s answers didn’t satisfy my hunger for truth.  What I was hearing from the world was sinking sand and I didn’t want to sink anymore.  I wanted to be standing on a rock.

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My Story: Miscarriage #2

Just three short months after I endured my first miscarriage, I found myself pregnant again.  I was filled with hope and worry all at the same time.  Would I lose this baby too?  After I passed the 13 week mark and all was well, I felt as though everything was going to be alright with this pregnancy.  I felt the baby move, my belly grew and I was able to carry the baby past full term, 41 weeks to be exact.  I gave birth via an emergency c-section to a beautiful baby girl, Chloe Elizabeth, in September of 2002.  She was (and still is) the joy of our life!  It seemed that after my first pregnancy my reproductive organs realized what their purpose was: to reproduce!  What was difficult in the first years of marriage, suddenly became easy.  In fact, I was so surprised to find out just four months after having Chloe that I was expecting again.  

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My Story: Why Me, Lord?

One of the questions that kept haunting my mind was that of, “Why did my baby have to die?”.   I couldn’t think of any where else to go beside the scriptures. The Bible was my only source of truth by which I could think, live and breath at that moment.  Like I mentioned before, the world offers very little in terms of true comfort and real answers to this kind of hard question.  That’s why so many people seek God when their circumstances are difficult.  Deep down in each person, there is a knowledge that God and His Word are the only source of truth.  And if we will just admit it, the truth is what is most comforting.

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My Story: Miscarriage #1

My husband, Jon, and I married in May of 1999.  We wanted children right away, which I know is so unlike most couples of our day.  We really valued children, and were thrilled and excited to start a family of our own.  After a full year passed without a pregnancy, I began to suspect that something may be wrong.  I hated the word infertility.  I did not even want to look it up or read about it.  After all, my own mother was known as “fertile Myrtle”.  She conceived and birthed five babies and had had no miscarriages.  My husband’s family was quite the same...

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My Story: An Introduction

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to be posting my own journey through miscarriage.  I started writing this a few years ago, and my prayer has been that through reading the details of my miscarriages and life in between, you'll be encouraged  and challenged in your own journey.  These posts will be longer than a normal blog post, so you'll have to carve out a little time to read!  Thank you so much for stopping by.  Here is the introduction:

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Life (and Pregnancy) After a Miscarriage

Worry and anxiety about a new pregnancy are normal even when there has not been a previous miscarriage. But when miscarriage is the precursor to a new pregnancy, we are even more susceptible to falling into the temptation of fear that we are going to lose the new baby as well. It is a fear that can run and rule your life. This fear that you will miscarry again could very well just ruin every single day of your pregnancy - or maybe every day up until you pass the mark of when you lost the previous baby - then you may think you're in the clear, you sigh a big breath of relief and you can then rejoice in the new life within your womb.

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You Are Not Alone, Part Four

God does not necessarily need us in order that He might comfort those who have lost a baby - but He wants us!  In His perfect design, He has ordained those who have suffered a miscarriage to be the means by which He comforts others who have suffered the same.  If we are silent, if we who have suffered offer no comfort, then God's purpose is thwarted, and Satan has a foothold on us!

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You Are Not Alone, Part Three

While we may feel alone, like no one is grieving the way that we are, we can know from scripture that we are not alone.  Jesus grieved.  He carried our griefs.  He bore our sorrows.  And listen to this:  He not only carried and bore our sorrow and grief, He atoned for them.  This makes Him the only One who is qualified and truly able to wipe away your tears.  You may wish your husband or friends could do this for you, but they are not equipped to do so in the way that Christ is.  Your miscarriage is a call for you specifically to praise Christ and to hope in Christ.  We can look back at His atoning work in praise and awe and we can look forward in hope of death's being forever destroyed!

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You Are Not Alone, Part Two

We are not the only one thinking, dreaming, and planning for our baby.  No, God formed our baby's parts, He literally knitted our baby together.  He could see all that was happening in our womb as clear as the day.  He saw that baby before it was even formed, each day of the baby's life was written by Him, before they even happened.  God's thoughts toward your baby are so precious and numerous that they cannot even be measured!  And you thought you were the only one who cared?  The only one who dreamed?  The only one who planned?   

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